I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
