You smell like stripper and shame
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Randomize
