Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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