In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
you will always have a special place in my vag
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize