If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
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