what day is it and did you see me today?
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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