Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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