I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
