you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
