he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
