are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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