My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
