3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
