I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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