My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Randomize
