My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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