Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
