I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
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