I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
