I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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