Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
