fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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