theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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