My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
