oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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