I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
