literally had 100 drinks last night.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
