Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
