it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
