My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize