Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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