I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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