they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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