woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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