good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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