I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
