So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
