yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
So many bounce houses so little time
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
