My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
