I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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