I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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