oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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