One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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