How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
So apparently I’m into choking now
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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