He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
