If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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