Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
We're too hungover to prance.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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