Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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