hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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