so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I think people are normalizing furries
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
