you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
