you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
