I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm going to jail i love you
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
