You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
