She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Randomize
