I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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