i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
