i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
