I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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