You smell like a Billy Joel song
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
