textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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