did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Randomize
