don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
